Awakening

I am a master at the game. Perception is reality, reality is perception. I possess an almost magnetic power to draw in whatever I desire. Knowing the right costume, demeanor, words to appeal to whomever I wish to get what I want comes naturally. There is only thing stopping me.

The game is not real.

I don't have the heart to tell you what you want to hear, put others down, pretend to know what it is like to walk in someone else's shoes. I only know me.

This heart has caused me to say a lot of things over the years that I judged then and now as ignorant. But they were true to me at the time and I no longer regret them because they helped me learn.

What I know is important to put out there because no one else has had my experience and can offer the same perspective. Take it or leave it. It's important that it's said.

I find myself deleting from the world wide web out of fear. I know how the game is played. Luckily, for now, there is a semi-anonymous outlet that doesn't put me or my family at great immediate personal risk. For that I am thankful. I can keep up the appearance of the game while being real.

I am in a place where I am forced to reflect. Everyone will have this opportunity, if not in life, in death. I have been bestowed with the gift of time to explore my creativity instead of continuing to win the game.

All of my life's experiences are condensed to a highlight reel - not of the high points or greatest achievements, but what was real/meaningful/true.

I am a communicator... always offering the lost perspective, encouraging that all individuals be considered and not be made losers in the game. I've always yearned for simplicity. Keeping it pure, simple, easy is my calling.

But I bought into the game. So much so that when confronted with the opportunity to close a pathway to pain from my debilitating illness, I was at first unwilling out of guilt and believing I should suffer if I was to be free. Because I held doing of more value then being. If I couldn't "do," be "productive," contribute," uphold my "responsibilities," (play my role in the game) I should at least suffer. Well, screw that!

Yet here I am blogging into the nothingness what I perceive to be real so I have some sense of purpose...